One ounce at a time.

This photo was taken on the 3rd day of January when Paige went home to Cebu. Paige was so bored the night before, so she played with Layla, dressed her in her baby clothes and drew on her shirts with special pastel. The shirt looks really cute, doesn't it? I hope Paige can draw on more because Layla's 3 months today and she can't fit in that shirt anymore.

This was also around the same time that Layla was on formula milk. I discovered on Christmas day that I had fungi on my breasts...gross, I know. It all started when my whole body was covered in rashes because I was allergic to soy milk. Then I got sick and the rashes eventually turned into fungi. I felt so disgusting. The only fungi problem I ever had before that was athlete's foot, so it was like having athlete's foot all over my body. Sick.

Apparently many women get fungi on their breasts, and thank God mine wasn't actually that bad because some mothers let the fungi stay around for so long that their babies get fungi in their mouths! Yikes!

My OB and the pedia recommended that I stop breastfeeding Layla for 2 weeks. I needed to pump often to stimulate my breasts so that they would keep making milk, but Layla couldn't drink any of it. I had to pump and dump. That was the term.

At first I was optimistic about returning to breastfeeding without a hitch because I had SOOO much milk, but other mothers were commenting that it was the beginning of the formula stage, that my breasts would dry up or that my baby would favor formula to human milk. I enjoyed my 2-week window of freedom, drinking some coffee, eating chocolates, cereal and citrus fruits...I even had 2 cans of beer on New Year's Eve and got drunk...wow, that's how low my tolerance for alcohol is now. But I couldn't pump as often as she fed because it was the holiday season and we were so busy.

The formula days were winding down and I was prepping up to breastfeed again, but I couldn't pump as much milk as I used to. The amount of milk went from a whopping 5 ounces per breast to an all time low of 1 ounce for both. Breastfeeding follows a supply and demand kind of system, so because there was no demand for breast milk, the supply dwindled. And pumping only helps keep the supply up. It's actually the baby that tells your body to make more milk. I was getting depressed.

Visitng the pedia was no help because she said that 2 months of breastfeeding was good enough. But no, I didn't want it to end there. I looked at Layla everyday as she fed from the bottle. I missed breastfeeding, nursing her the natural way, the way I was meant to nurse her as a woman and a mother.

I remember the day I forced her to feed from the bottle and she was crying and crying and begging for my breast. Mama tried a few times and told her, "Layla, it's ok. Almost all the babies in the world drink from the bottle!" It was quite an ordeal and it took 5 hours of crying to get her to feed from the bottle, but it was even more difficult to get her to breastfeed again. She was on the bottle for so long that she got the nipples confused and didn't want mine. And when she finally accepted my breast, she was frustrated because there wasn't enough milk for her.

All of a sudden I missed having engorged breasts, waking up and feeling heavy and full, ready to feed my baby throughout the day. I looked for help and spoke with 2 breastfeeding counselors, Abbie and Issa, and I even got a full body massage from a lactation masseus named Nanay Lita. I learned so many things from these wonderful mothers. I was about ready to give up and settle for expensive hypoallergenic formula milk, but I remembered what Issa told me: "Just think about it. There are 3 million antibodies in one teaspoon of breast milk. 3 million! Think about it!"

Aside from Natalac, the lactation supplements that I was taking, I was also introduced to Fenugreek herbs and Mother's Milk Tea...I wanted to try anything and everything that would help me make milk. Hot compress, massages, meditating, the works! For the first time, I understood why some mothers gave up breastfeeding, how frustrating it was to have little milk and how difficult it was to see your baby hungry.

The most important lesson I learned, though, was that psychology plays a biggest role in breastfeeding. Everyday I told myself, "I can feed my baby, I can feed my baby," and everyday Jay encouraged me and told me what a wonderful partner and mother I've been. It's true that breastfeeding will only work if you have a lot of support from your family and friends.

Support from other mothers can also work wonders. I attended a support group called Best Friends in Breastfeeding in Asian Hospital last January 21. It had been 2 weeks since Layla and I tried breastfeeding again and we were having a very difficult time. I was mix-feeding her, meaning I fed her formula sometimes because she was so hungry; but after speaking with all these mothers about breastfeeding, what we can do to increase our milk supply, how to get started (for the preggy moms) and how to keep it up (for us challenged moms), I went home and pumped 4 ounces of milk. Imagine that! All I did was spend time with these women and my body was inspired to make more milk!

Right now, I'm still not producing as much milk as before. It bothers me sometimes that I didn't used to need all this help to feed my baby, that the glory days have gone and now I've to work hard to make money and find time to relax in the day to make milk. But it's just like weight gain...I need to stop thinking of the how thin I used to be so that I can move on and lose weight...I need to stop thinking of how much milk I used to make so that I can start making milk again. My milk is slowly increasing, so I will be patient with my body and take things one ounce at a time.

Motherhood's been quite a ride so far, but I want every mother who reads this blog to know that whatever happens, you can always find help. I find it especially sad when mothers give up breastfeeding so early. I almost did, but I found help and now I'm breastfeeding again. I'm still having a difficult time but Layla drives me. I love her. I just think of how healthy, smart and wonderful she is...because of me and the milk I give her. I've given her a great start in life and I'm going to continue giving it to her for as long as I can.